So, I have made the decision to have weight loss surgery and document it through this blog. Since deciding to have some type of weight loss surgery, (here on out affectionately, or not so affectionately, referred to as WLS) I have been researching non-stop. And I have been thinking about it non-stop. I have told a few people of my intention to have the surgery. I guess I figured if I told some people, then I couldn't back out for fear of looking like a wimp. However, researching has made me feel like a wimp as I am scared to death. I have had a few surgeries in my life and they all have made me feel scared. But I was always only scared of the pain, with the exception of my c-section for which I was scared of the pain AND of becoming a parent. However, with the exception of bringing home my baby, like I said, I was always only scared of pain. This time is different though. The CHANGE is what scares me the most with pain running a close second. Ok, maybe pain is first. No wait, change. Ok pain, definitely pain. No maybe change.
So when first thinking about wls, I originally had lap-band surgery in mind. So that is what I first started researching. It sounded great. I read many blogs of people who had had great success with the lap-band surgery. But all of these successful stories stress that lap-band was only a tool and still took a lot of hard work. So I have been trying to ingrain that in my mind. I will still have to work hard. But I figured when I started seeing weight come off of me, that would be the motivation I needed to keep going and lose even more through diet and exercise. I also read about the advantages of lap-band such as shorter recovery time and less time off work. Plus, you can eventually go back to eating what you want, just not as much as you want. Sign me up! So I decided lap band was for me....until. Until, I started hearing more and more about the unsuccessful stories of lap-band. Most notably, I found out that a girl that works where I do who I do not know well had lap-band surgery shortly before starting work here. That was a couple of years ago. I did not even know she had that type of surgery which is a testament to how unsuccessful it was for her (not to be mean). Then I heard of another person who's lap-band surgery was unsuccessful. Now, I know, and most people know that if the lap-band surgery is not successful for someone, it is probably user error in that they did not follow their diet and learned to cheat. I am very scared that I would be one of those cheaters and do I really need the extra anxiety of worrying about that on top of everything else. By the way, my greatest fears in all of this are 1. throwing up - a lot, 2. being miserable without food, 3. making everyone else miserable around me because I am pissed off that I can not eat what I want and the quantity that I want, 4. my family not being willing to make the needed changes they have to make in order to make this easier for me . However, I have a greater fear of dying from all my health problems, so like I said, the decision has been made to have some type of wls. And so since this is not just about losing weight for me, but about trying to cure or control my diabetes, I decided to look at the other types of wls just to see what they are about.
So now it is looking like a true gastric bypass would be the best option for me for a number of reasons. However, this sends me into panic mode because it will be more painful, more recovery time, and more CHANGE (there's that word again) that I dread. I have been reading about the gastric bypass (gb) and it seems like there is less room to cheat and greater and faster weight loss. AND... it is the only one of the wls's that has been proven to put diabetes in remission.
Tonight is the first big step in this whole journey, the WLS seminar. I have no idea what to expect from this meeting and kind of have a feeling I will be disappointed in how long it will actually take to get the surgery. I want to have it done quickly for so many reasons, but most of all because I have made up my mind and ready to get it over with. Some other reasons include that I have already met my insurance deductible which would be great if I can have the surgery before the end of the year. Additionally, I will have used up all of my vacation and sick days by the second week in October so my short term disability should kick in right away during my leave of absence. Leaver for lap-band is one week. Leave for gb is 2 to 3 weeks. Ugh. And... I have recently started to notice signs of diabetic neuropathy and other health related issues and want to have this done before they get any further out of hand.
I really wanted Chris to be able to go with me to this meeting tonight. However, he is out of town so my mom is going with me. My poor mother always ends up playing nurse maid to me and my sister. I had hoped he would be able to see the amount of change we are talking about as I know him and know he thinks I am the only one who will have to make any changes. He says he supports me in doing this, but I know when it comes to him being inconvenienced or making any kind of changes himself, that is another story.
So now I am totally freaked out thinking I am going to probably have the much more invasive gb as opposed to the much easier lap-band. But because of my financial situation, I need to make sure that I have a surgery that "takes" the first time as I will not have the money to do this all again down the road. BUT THEY CUT YOUR FREAKING STOMACH!!!! How painful is that going to be? I need to find a blog where someone is completely honest about the amount of pain they have right after surgery so I can prepare. Worse that a c-section? Better? How about back surgery? I survived that but it totally sucked.
And now on to other fears. CHANGE. I love food. I love it, I love it, I love it. And I love lots of it. I love it when I am mad. I love it when I am sad. I love it when I am happy. I love it when I am nappy (meaning ready for a nap, not like all gross nappy). I love it when I am bored. I love it in my Ford.
So how freaking depressed am I going to be when I can't have the thing I probably love most in this world? Probably very depressed. And pissed. And then I am going to be home for 3 weeks, sitting around doing nothing but thinking about all the food I can't eat. Ugh again. And I have also read that people who have gb do not tolerate sugar well after surgery and for the rest of their lives, so that equally bums me out. Christmas especially is going to suck.
So I read all these blogs and people saying how great they feel and how happy they are that they had the surgery. Good for you, great for you, but what about the days you laid on your bed in the fetal position crying because you want a cupcake but know eating one means violently vomiting the rest of the afternoon.
But, nevertheless, the decision to have something done has been made as it has truly become a matter of life and death. And a better life for me and my family. Hopefully, the surgery will make food no longer a love in my life and so the journey won't be as hard as I think it is going to be. Hopefully, I just won't want to eat knowing the consequences if I over indulge. But this is scary stuff and I have little mini panic attacks thinking about it. Mom told me to get off the internet, but I can't help it. I am trying to make sure my mind knows this is going to be work and not just a cake walk. Ooo, cake.
Additionally, I am not sure who all I will share this blog with, especially not right away since I know nothing of the details of all of this. But when I was reading other blogs and forums I wish I could have found a blog that truly chronicled someone's experience from beginning to end and not just from the beginning of the pre-opt diet 2 weeks out. So perhaps my blog is unprecedented which is kind of cool.
